Dark Horse Halloween Countdown: Top 10 Goosebumps Books
Halloween and the eventual, crushing, post-apocalyptic bleakness of fall in the Pacific Northwest are about to descend upon us here in the Portland-Metro area. And in keeping with the season, I was asked to take a moment to reflect on some of the great and enduring horror literature I’ve read over the years.
What I failed to consider, however, is that I’m a lazy philistine and faked my way into an English degree. Kind of like C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man, but without all the racism and pennyloafers.
But, since I try to be a man of my word, here are memories, feelings, and rapturous musings on five to ten of young adult speculative fiction monster hit-maker R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps novels.
I’d like to thank Wikipedia, the indelibly Canadian production team behind the television series, and whoever writes the concise and snappy synopses for Scholastic’s website. I couldn’t have remembered any of this without your assistance.
Say Cheese and Die!
A bunch of kids sneak into a derelict house and find an old camera that takes spooky, foreboding photos. In high school, I knew a lot of kids that would sneak into a house Ted Bundy lived in. I never did, and I think reading this at a formative age is why. I probably thought I was going to find a pair of glasses that strangled hookers or something.
Attack of the Mutant
This was the Goosebumps novel that was closest to being about the X-Men, which is probably why it was my favorite. Also, Adam West was in the TV adaptation, which was weird even in third grade.
Night of the Living Dummy
This volume of the ‘Bumps and Scarface from Batman: The Animated Series gave me the healthy mistrust of the ventriloquist arts that’s kept me away from Jeff Dunham. So, you know, that rules.
The Haunted Mask
This story is about a Halloween mask that actually turns you into a monster. Looking back, I’m pretty sure it’s a veiled cocaine metaphor.
Why I’m Afraid of Bees
A boy named Gary tries to switch bodies with a cool skateboarder named Dirk, but ends up as a bee. This is a classic lesson in not seeing the forest behind the trees. Gary gets his mellow totally harshed because he’s a lame bee and can’t shred the rad gnar like Dirk, but he fails to realize that as a bee, he also doesn’t
have to do his dishes or start a 401k. Kids, if you’re reading this, NEVER TRY TO SWITCH BODIES WITH ANYONE NAMED DIRK.
Deep Trouble
I knew this one was going to rule because there was a shark on the cover. This was before I grew up and could watch Shark Week in bars.
Escape from the Carnival of Horrors
This was the first choose-your-own-adventure book in Goosebumps canon. It was like a normal Goosebumps book, but it was told in the first person, so it was way more traumatizing!
The Horror at Camp Jellyjam
There’s a camp possessed by an evil, mysterious slime that makes everyone there obsessed with winning. I think this is one of the childhood books I had that was slain by Sega.
How I Got My Shrunken Head
Mark’s aunt sends him a shrunken head from a fictitious jungle island. For some reason, Mark doesn’t find this at all odd, creepy, or legally and morally ambiguous. The head turning out to be possessed and glowing with evil power isn’t even the scariest part of the story. It’s Mark, the bloodthirsty pre-teen.
Honorable Mention:
The Baby-sitter series
There were at least four of these novels about the most unfortunate girl in the history of mankind. Jenny is doomed to earn her Claire’s and Forever 21 shekels by protecting kids (to whom he has no legal obligation) from psychotic parents in volumes one and two, disassociative identity disorder in the third, and good old-fashioned ghosts in the fourth.
I really hope these books kept going and Jenny’s now a hard-drinking, one-eyed mercenary babysitter who can communicate with the dead and lives above a brothel in some remote Alaskan territory or something. I’d feel a lot better about Jenny’s life knowing that her fictional trajectory is probably going to send her into space someday.
What were your favorite Goosebumps books? Leave us a comment below!
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